It’s been a while. Well, 11 months to be exact. You look different now than you used to. I once was filled with deep sadness as you approached knowing that another year of infertility had come and gone. You reminded me of my barrenness, my body’s brokenness, the deep unfulfilled longing in my heart.
But this year is different. Oh so different. When I saw you last I was 7 weeks pregnant, so very excited I could hardly contain it. I was in a dream-world of the magnificent reality of a beautiful miracle growing inside me. I heard her heart beat, I saw her growing, and I was overwhelmed at God’s goodness towards us.
Since I saw you last, we’ve given birth to our beautiful miracle, held her for a day and a half, and let go of her into the hands of Jesus. If only you could have met her. She was sweet, strong, a fighter, and a testament to God’s amazing power.
When I said “goodbye” to you last year I had no idea what awaited. I had no idea what was around the corner. The most devastating and most surrendered moment of my life was in the shadows, waiting for me, but I didn’t know it yet. I couldn’t.
So now here we are again. You’re at my doorstep, waiting to be ushered in. I stand here, not sure what you are hiding behind your veiled days. But one thing is for sure. God will be with me. He has been with me this whole time, through the years of barrenness when I would beg for my womb to be filled, through the filling of my womb with my precious daughter, and through the utter emptiness that would come after her delivery and departure. He has been here, filling every hole in my heart with loving-kindness, grace, mercy, and peace.
So, August, I face you this year with a tender heart. One that is recounting so many memories, joyful ones and sorrowful ones. One that has a piece of it in heaven. But one that is tethered to the Lord, through thick and thin and ups and downs. And so I press on with peacefulness and steadfastness and can say with all the confidence I can muster, “Hello, August. It’s been awhile.”
(Originally posted on July 27, 2017 on my personal Facebook page.)
Pressing on in faith, Jennifer